"Why don't you like fish?" Kelly asked me recently.
"Whaddaya mean? I love fish! Especially salmon...yum."
"No mom," she said, pointing at her fishbowl. "Why don't you like these fish?"
Oh. Goldfish.
I don't like goldfish. I wasn't happy when Kelly received two goldfish as a present, especially since they didn’t come with a return policy. It's not that I don't like pets. We have two dogs - they provide love, protection, and even an excuse to exercise. Then there are goldfish. Like newborn babies, goldfish spend the vast majority of time eating and pooping. Unlike newborn babies, goldfish never change.
The new fishbowl sat on the kitchen counter. The goldfish swam aimlessly, and I tried to think of an advantage to having goldfish over, say, a Pet Rock. I couldn't come up with anything, because the only animals that provide less excitement are stuffed.
“They look hungry," Kelly said. "I think I’ll feed them.”
Kelly dropped some food into the water. The fish came to life, hurrying to the surface. Within a few moments, the food was gone.
"Wow, they really were hungry," she said. Do you think they need more food?"
"I have no idea." Goldfish can't communicate, except by swimming upside down (generally their LAST communication). Not wanting to take any chances, Kelly dropped more food into the water. Then more. No matter how much food they were given, they ate it all and wanted more, meaning the goldfish and I had at least one thing in common.
The next morning, the fishbowl water was cloudy and gross, so Kelly decided to change it. She insisted on using bottled water, even though I complained about the cost.
“Mom, if I use tap water, the chemicals might make the fish die!”
I couldn’t really see the down side to that scenario. Especially when the next day, the water was once again filthy, and Kelly changed it...using more bottled water.
"This is crazy!" I said. I did a rough calculation based on the bottled water supply used in the first two days. So far these fish had cost me approximately $119 per pound. Kelly wasn't thrilled about dealing with stinky fish water, either. We needed help, so we drove to PetSmart.
"Why does the water keep getting so dirty?" we asked.
"They need a bigger bowl," the salesperson answered. "One with a filtration system," she continued. "We have them right here. They're only $89.95."
How much? At this rate, these goldfish would soon be worth more than actual gold. I needed an answer, or these fish were headed toward a bigger bowl, alright: a toilet bowl.
Fortunately, the answer came. My cousins Blake and Paul stopped by on their way home from an Alaskan cruise. When they heard the fish story, they said, "We have a big fish pond in the back yard! We'll take them home with us!”
I couldn’t believe my luck, and happily gave them the two goldfish.
Although I secretly wondered if the other fish would enjoy having these new companions…
For dinner.
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