Thanksgiving Jeans

Have you heard of the South Beach Diet? On the South Beach,            you don’t eat any “bad” carbs – no white flour, pasta or sugar.

During the holidays, I go on the NORTH Beach Diet.

I start training for my annual marathon around Halloween – my marathon of eating, that is. I call this high-carb season the “Holidaze." Even if I’m somewhat careful, I’ll gain a few pounds (over the last 30 years, my weight has pretty much tracked with the stock market: day-to-day fluctuations, trending higher over time).

My husband, Steve, is lucky.  He barely has a sweet tooth - I have a whole mouthful. Besides, Steve's almost 6 feet tall. If a guy his size gains a few extra pounds, you can't even tell.

On me, the extra holiday pounds are more obvious. But don't worry, I'll take them off in January (LOL)! Seriously, extra weight is bad for your health. How bad depends on whether you’re apple-shaped or pear-shaped. Not sure which produce item you resemble? Neither was I. So the other day, after my shower, I decided to find out.

I studied my reflection in our full-length mirror. First I pictured a smooth shiny apple, then a gently sloping pear. Which one am I? I wondered. 

Neither, I decided.  I look more like Cauliflower - unevenly round and lumpy. After seeing myself naked, I couldn’t wait to get dressed. I’m not alone. Women have been covering up figure flaws since the beginning of time - I'm pretty sure Eve fed Adam that bite of apple just so she could put some clothes on.

I grabbed my jeans, but there was a problem - I could barely pull them up. Dang, I thought. The holiday season has barely started! My jeans are already too tight. I struggled for a few minutes but they wouldn't zip. I gave up and switched to some comfy yoga pants.

I was bummed, and called my friend Cheryl. “I've been eating too much. Now my jeans are tight!"

“Oh for crying out loud,” she said. “Just buy bigger jeans. What size do you wear, anyway?”

Good question. I wear the same size I did way back in college, and that was over 30 pounds ago. But nowadays, clothing companies make their jeans bigger. People wear smaller sizes, even though they’re heavier. It makes no sense. Not unless you’re trying to sell jeans, anyway - in which case it’s brilliant.

“I can’t buy bigger jeans,” I told her. “When I eat too much, my jeans squeeze me like a tourniquet – kind of like a lap band, without the surgery. I only eat until I can’t breathe. Then I stop.”

“Apparently you don’t,” Cheryl pointed out. “Because now your jeans don't fit.”

“But if I buy bigger jeans,” I argued, "pretty soon I’ll need even BIGGER jeans. Where does it end? It ends with me weighing 600 pounds, shopping for clothes at Seattle Tent and Awning.”

That shut her up. Either that or there was a dropped call.

I don’t care what Cheryl says - I refuse to buy bigger jeans. But get this: on Thanksgiving morning, I found a pair of bigger jeans hanging in my closet. I’ll never buy bigger jeans, I thought, but if I find them in my closet, why not wear them?

I took the jeans off the hanger and slipped them on - first one leg, then the other. They were roomy and comfortable. I spent the whole day eating, and even after stuffing myself, the jeans didn’t pinch, bind, or feel the least bit tight. I relished the freedom of those wonderful jeans all day.

Then Steve made me give them back.

Comments

[Marty Markey]

hahahahahahahaha! Kay you are hilarious! Thank you for making me feel like I'm not the only one who's jeans shrink around the holidays. Truth be told, I'm a size 6, but an 8 feels so good that I buy a 10--a size I can actually button!