It's almost Christmas, and the holiday goodies are pouring in. So far I've been given fudge, frosted sugar cookies and homemade toffee...NONE of which I want. What I want is Fruitcake - and so far I haven't received any.
C'mon, people. Keep your tempting treats and irresistable desserts to yourself...give me fruitcake - really horrible fruitcake. I want the kind of fruitcake you need to handle carefully, because if you drop it, you'll crush your foot. Fruitcake that's loaded with neon-dyed, gummy chunks of a substance formerly known as fruit. Fruitcake so dense, it doesn't even understand fruitcake jokes.
Forget "willpower." This time of year I need "WON'Tpower," and fruitcake gives me lots. Fruitcake is the one thing I say "no" to before I'm even asked. Only about 1% of the population actually enjoys fruitcake. I'm part of the 99% - and we hate it.
Other holiday treats? They have a frightening power over me. When I'm offered fudge, cookies or candy, my mouth quickly says "yes" before my brain - which works much slower - can say "no." Soon I find myself chomping away, unable to utter a word of protest (as my mouth knows, I can't talk when it's full).
I need help. Because even though I admire Santa's spirity of generousity, this time of year I find myself emulating his very generous shape. Therefore I want the most unappetizing fruitcake you can come up with. I've even adopted a slogan, borrowed from Hallmark (and slightly modified): "When you care enough to send the very worst."
Bring me fruitcake, and I'll think you're the kindest giver of all - a person who understands I want fruitcake, because I don't want fruitcake.
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